When Mother’s Day comes around, all the moms and grandmas of the world are treated to flowers, spa days, and luxurious pampering. When Father’s Day comes around, all the dads and grandpas are treated to…yard work? Toolboxes? Standing over a grill cooking for the kids who should really be cooking for you?
Come on. This is 2019. Men, you deserve to discover the wonderful world of pampering. You spend hours detailing your car. Entire days are devoted to cleaning and maintaining your tools. Everything you take care of is in pristine shape because that’s just what men do, right? Well, now it’s time to take care of your most versatile tool – your body. Not only does it keep you working well, it also just feels…ridiculously good. And if you think you don’t want to be pampered, then maybe you’ve just never had the opportunity to enjoy how good it feels. Pampering isn’t a feminine thing, it’s a human thing.
One of the simplest ways to treat yourself to a good pamper session is by drawing a nice, hot bath. Baths have historically been enjoyed by both men and women (King Bidgood’s in the Bathtub, anyone?). Yet now, they’re considered an exclusively feminine pastime. We’re here to tell you differently. Men can (and should!) take baths, and we’re going to help show all you fellas just how to do it.
Bathing for Men 101: A Step-by-Step Guide
- Draw your bath. While the bathtub is filling, sit on the edge and gently comb your hair with a fine tooth tortoiseshell comb while singing soft hymns to yourself. This part isn’t actually important, but it helps add to the experience. Also, if you have young kids that don’t know what privacy is, consider locking the door and stuffing the crack with a towel to fully fortify your sanctuary.
- Light some candles and put on some soothing music. Mozart and Marilyn Manson are both great choices.
- Dunk a lil’ tootsie in to make sure the water is the right temperature. Bath Rule #1: There’s no such thing as “too hot.” Well, there probably is, but as long as your skin doesn’t start peeling off, go ahead and crank that temp to your desired steaminess.
- Dump in a boatload of Hemp Classic CBD oil. This is a very scientific measurement, mind you, so please follow it exactly. If you are for some reason unfamiliar with this unit of measurement, try experimenting with two to three dropperfuls of oil.
- Dump in a boatload of essential oil. Bath Rule #2: Unscented baths are for psychos. You can use essential oil without smelling like your grandma. Frankincense and cypress are great scents for men who want to feel both strong (you’re so strong) and fresh to death. You can also try bath bombs which, like moon shoes, are truly fun for all ages and genders. (Hint hint kids, did you get dad a Father’s Day gift yet?)
- Have a seat. This is a pretty simple step, but our customer care team is always around to help if you have questions.
- Splash around a little. Go on, no one’s looking. What good is a bath if you don’t act like a toddler for at least five seconds?
- Rub-a-dub-dub some CBD-infused shampoo into your manly man scalp. Remember step #4? Do it again with your shampoo. Dump two to three dropperfuls of CBD into your shampoo and give it a few shakes. Dump that shampoo onto your head and give it a few scrubs. Throw some water on it. Boom.
- Rub-a-dub-dub some conditioner into your scalp. PSA – MEN CAN CONDITION, TOO. Don’t skip this step. Don’t be that guy. Just don’t. Except, of course, if you’re an experienced man rocking the bald look. You can skip these last two steps and instead massage that skin with a little oil to keep the top of your head smooth and glistening.
- Give yourself a rinse. Let the water wash your worries away (along with all of that grime because it’s been a hot minute since your last bath, hasn’t it?).
- Lean back and close your eyes. Just relaaaaaaaaaaaaax. Ignore your children clawing at the door. They’re fine (probably).
- Open your eyes when you feel yourself starting to slip into another dimension. Or don’t. If you do find yourself stuck in an alternate reality, send us a holographic telegram and we’ll use a wormhole to deliver you a free bottle of CBD for your troubles.
Fathers, grandfathers, and all manly caretakers of the world, it’s time to indulge yourself with this tried-and-true bathing procedure. We promise it will do nothing but good things for you, including giving you the healthiest, manliest glow ever.
And kids, we were joking about getting your dad moon shoes for Father’s Day. CBD is obviously the way to go.